the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
