Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
