The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
