its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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