I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
