I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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