best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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