Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
