I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
