thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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