i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
