Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
