I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
