Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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