I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
