I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
