I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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