Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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