Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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