My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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