I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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