Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
