You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
