Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
