If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
