I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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