she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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