I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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