I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
