i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
