My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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