Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
