worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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