can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
