my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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