Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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