i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
People with herpes should wear stickers.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
