just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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