hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
