He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My vagina is officially offended.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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