all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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