I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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