my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize