if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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