how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
