you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
do herpes really smell.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize