hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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