I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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