just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
