a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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