Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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