How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
