tonight lets celebrate not being married
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
