i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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