I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
