I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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