You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
vagina is talking i cant
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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