We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
