my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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