Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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