i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
