thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
