I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
