Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize