Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
